Building Trust Game

Turns out that TRUST is important for relationships! It’s time to learn how to build it.

Here’s the scenario. You are going to be together with someone with whom you have major differences in attitude and opinion. You can employ Tactics, Speaking, and Listening to deal with the situation. Some of them are more helpful than others. Which of the following will you do and why? And what ones do you find yourself doing even though you probably shouldn’t?

TACTICS 

1. Avoid the person

2. Avoid the conversation

3. If THE subject comes up, Say nothing

4. Say nothing to them and complain to everyone else

5. Change the subject

6. Hang out around them

7. Express interest in them

8. Learn something about them ahead of time and do some research so you can talk about it

9. Calm yourself beforehand

10. Let someone else know what you are doing so they can support you

SPEAKING

1. Tell them they are wrong

2. Explain why they are wrong

3. Explain why they are wrong nicely

4. Call them names

5. Ask them, Do you REALLY believe that?

6. Ask them, Why do you believe THAT?!?

7. Ask them, HOW can you believe that?

8. Explain to them the ramifications on the world of what they believe

9. Ask them if they want to know what you think.

10. Explain how you are trying to be open to them, and that they aren’t doing that for you

11. Ask what brought them to believe what they do?

12. Ask clarifying questions

13. Reflect what you hear to confirm understanding

14. If asked what you think, use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.

LISTENING 

1. Listen for the weakness in their argument

2. Roll your eyes often

3. Interrupt

4. Listen for a pause… so you can get your point in

5. Listen to understand

6. Listen for the person behind the words

Practicing When It's Easier

practice

Maybe you were around for the final week in our series Care IQ where Melissa Lock, Verlyn Hemmen, and Chris Lillehei helped us move from our Care IQ learnings into practicing and reflecting. Melissa and I also recently recorded a Scraps podcast where we intentionally crafted 3 care situations, acted them out, and got reflections on them from Kristin Williams as well as Verlyn and Chris Lillehei.

Groups have started this same process of role-playing, so we wanted to share this graphic tool as an easy way to dive into your own practice with others. Whether it’s with a real situation or one you’re making up to get practice (or a mixture of the two), we’d encourage you to put yourself into it and consider doing it with a couple others…maybe even regularly.

Thanks for caring!

Start Small

Talking to a few people at our Open Space experience in which we were making plans on what we could each do to make the world more an us place, and less an us and them place, I (Greg) heard a common dilemma. There is a tendency towards impatience and fixing big problems. Despite the urgency to change this world in which too many lives are harmed and generational damage is compounding, there are still no short cuts. We must rebuild systems around us from the ground up, and if we want it to last, change within us happens one-step at a time.

Start small. One person was stymied with how to develop meaningful intercultural relationships. The inability to figure out how to get there from where she was in one step was frustrating and discouraging. She was starting too big. Then another person, who was also white-bodied, said she would go to shops where she would be around people of different racial backgrounds and learn how to interact with them in ways that weren’t pushy or inappropriate but conveyed interest, respect and value and take it from there. Small steps. Discovering that such a simple first step might be exactly what is needed was like a lightbulb going off for the first person. “Is such a small step as this person proposed enough?” WRONG QUESTION. This is a Fabric insight: ask a wrong question and you’ll get an unhelpful answer.

What’s a BETTER QUESTION? “Is such a small step a useful next step in getting where you want to go?” That question leads to other better next questions, like, “What do I do with the rapport and understanding of people who aren’t ‘like me?’” and “How do I pass what I am learning on to others?”

Use your people. One of the strategic benefits of a community that is structured around healthy growth is that you aren’t the only one trying to figure stuff like this out. There are others a step ahead of you from whom you can learn. There are others hoping to do what you are to learn from you. And there are others who are right with you. This all creates a friendly atmosphere of mutual accountability, encouragement and learning.

Start small. What is the next piece missing between where you are and where you want to be? Don’t worry about deboarding from the airplane if you haven’t even bought a ticket and packed your bags yet. You’ll get there, but it’s not what’s next for you. (edited)

Step into the growth zone with others. Share ideas here.

Love in Action

It’s one thing to know about hearing about marginalized voices and another to hear, know, respect and respond to them. One thing to dream and talk about being loving and another to love.

Yesterday Fabric folks took that uncomfortable step of putting love into action. Using the practice of Open Space, Fabric folks shared ideas and made plans for action. Want to learn from and with kids? Check this out.

What are you going to try?

Talk with someone you trust about the step you want to try. What do you hope for? What feels hard?

How can you use perspectives, people and practice to help you keep trying stuff and learning?

By the way, Fabric is made to help you have regular, dependable windows for discovering perspectives, people and practice around the deeper questions you don’t get to engage everyday, but yet matter deeply for everyday. Connect with the current conversation in person on Sundays, with a Group and via podcast.

Fabric Kids Explore Brave Listening!

Diving into the planning and preparing for the series Hearing Voices, I wondered how we could create space for kids to both spend some time hearing voices of our neighbors that are frequently ignored or systematically quieted and explore the ways that we can grow our brave listening skills.  What does that look like from the perspective of young people whose lens of time is only a decade or less and who have less control over who is in their circles than we do as adults?

We spent the last month learning what comfort and discomfort feel like in our bodies and how we can pause to examine why.  We also got to listen to the voices of children with physical and emotional challenges with the Pacer Puppets, and we explored the idea of what is fair and unfair.  The overwhelming conclusion is that we have only begun to scratch the surface of the conversations that we could have around this topic. But a beginning is a beginning.

This past week we explored some books written for children that do an excellent job of tackling the subject of race and injustice in ways that kids can understand and be challenges by. The books exposed kids to the ideas of whiteness and how our race affects every corner of our lives.  They tackled the tough subject of police shootings of African Americans, and the idea of white privilege. I’m proud of our leaders and kids and the openness that they listened to the stories in these books and how they were willing to ask some hard questions around these subjects.

These books deserve a second look!  We have copies at the office if you would like to borrow them to read at home or I’m sure the library or local bookstore would also have them.

Looking for more ways to widen your circle as a family?

Visit the RACE exhibit at the Minnesota Science Museum!

Go see the show Ruby Bridges at Youth Performance Company!

Spend and afternoon at the Minnesota African American Heritage Museum!

A Basic Starting Point

"Can we understand that good people that don't know everything could mess up and still be good people?”

This past Sunday, Joanne Reeck named this as the place to start for talking, listening and learning about the complex realities around race. Here are a couple great talking points around this:

• Tell about a recent time you said or heard the words “I didn’t know that” (or wish you had).

• When is the last time you felt defensive or angry related to interactions around race, inclusion or social justice? How could you re-write that interaction with this idea as the starting place?

Joanne Reeck founded United for Change and serves as the Chief Inclusion Officer at Augsburg University. She spoke as part of Fabric Minneapolis gathering around Hearing Voices on November 10. Listen here!

Futurescapes: Digital Photography with Layne Kennedy

On Sunday, April 28, we had the privilege of welcoming acclaimed photographer Layne Kennedy to help us see the futurescape through the lens of digital photography.  Maybe that doesn't sound particularly spiritual,  but it's less a out the craft of digital photography than what it represents. Catching a shot or video on your phone has snuck up on us as film and cameras have faded away so quickly, yet almost silently, and we miss the revolution within it. What it reminds us of is less about pictures than a futurescape that could be and maybe already is. Now that is reason to have hope!

Check out Layne’s photos that were shared here:

The power of a better question

As part of our small ‘t’ truth conversation we’ve come around once again to the power of a better question. What makes a “better” question anyway? Let’s explore one take on it…

Whether it's with friends, family, kids, colleagues or our fellow citizens, we are practiced at asking questions full of opinions and agendas. How can you believe that? Or a couple of my favorite parenting questions, Why did you do that? and Did you [fill in mom’s agenda here] yet? While these may temporarily give me a sense of satisfaction, they also create defensiveness, secrecy and probably some shame in my kids! What I really want to foster are courage, conviction and connection.

So, if “better” could mean more HONEST questions that OPEN up new connections to learning, to each other and to our deeper convictions, I’m in! What are we talking about here? In brief:

Open questions: create discovery and new territory to explore; many possible answers. What are some experiences that have shaped your beliefs?

Closed questions: invite quick, yes/no answers, narrow the field, stifle discovery Did you feel sheltered growing up in a small town?

Honest questions: no answers I hope or expect to hear, trust and invite the wisdom in others to speak. What options have you considered?

Not so honest questions: Leading, I know what I want or expect to hear, may be tainted with cultural assumptions, advice-in-disguise. How do you feel about going to college?

Asking open and honest questions is harder and more powerful than we think.  We need low stakes, relaxed chances to practice. Below are 3 ideas for ways to try it, mess up, talk about it and try again!

ONE: Practice on yourself, in writing. Take an issue where you feel a little stuck and write out a Q & A, trying out questions on yourself as if someone else was asking you.

TWO: Over dinner with a friend or your family what if you just talked about it? “So when people need support or help talking something through, I feel like I could get better at asking helpful questions. What do you think makes a helpful or less helpful question?” Come up with examples together and talk about times with others that you’ve been on the receiving end of open & honest versus closed & not-so-honest questions. How did that feel? Admit that you want to grow in asking better questions and invite them to let you know when it might be time to question your question.

THREE: Here’s an exercise to do with a group…

1. Someone be the askee. Think of a lower stakes decision you are facing. (Maybe an invitation or request you’ve received, plans you are making, changes or purchases you are considering, a minor problem that needs to be addressed…)

2. Explain the decision to your Listener/Question Asker(s)

3. Listener/Question Asker(s) - listen attentively; then take a minute to jot down some ideas for open and honest questions.

4. Start asking! Try out your questions.

5. Hear a question that seems not so open and honest? Time to question your question? Call “PICKLES!” Share why, talk about it for a moment. Then keep going, keep messing up, keep learning.

6. Switch roles.

Have fun practicing!

Care IQ Reminders

Some situations go beyond regular friendship and care. They aren't going to be fixed. When you think you might be in a Care IQ situation, here are some key tools:

• Learn to ask, "What's my role?"

• Determine your boundaries. What can and can't, could and shouldn't you do? You aren't responsible for the other person's outcome.

• Listen. Not to fix or to fit them into your world of experience, but to understand their situation from their perspective; how they see/feel it. Validate Feelings, ask questions to better understand, ask 'What could I do that would be helpful to you today?'

• Widen the circle of care. Involve professionals, friends, family, employer, whoever seems appropriate. Check out Mental Health Connect as a starting point to help you connect to the most appropriate resources.