Whether it’s a new year, relationship, job, school or a brand-new morning - the hope and drive to do and be better is human. And better is just, well, better… right? But what about when it isn’t? When better ends up making things worse? Or when it just isn’t possible? You can keep chasing it anyway, or you can follow your hunch that there is something Better than Better. Join us these weeks as take a look. What could be better than that?

February 27 - Better Than Better Conflict That’s simple, right? It’s winning! Oops, that’s just ‘better’ not ‘better than better’ conflict. So, is better conflict no conflict? Can’t be, there is always conflict! So what’s better than better conflict? Is it conflict that…gets somewhere? That puts pieces together rather than makes more of them? Hmm, sounds good, but how do you do that? After all, we’re not talking about whether we’ll have Mexican or Italian for dinner, this is real stuff we are fighting over. I guess you better join us and find out!

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B and BTB are roommates and barely avoid getting flushed into the swirl of high conflict. [**Upon further reflection, the word "Nazi" written into the skit is not a word we will choose to use casually in the future.]

Better is better, but it has a dark side. It can also become a conveyor belt of constant improvement we can’t get off of.

Better than better doesn’t feel like it is always judging you for not being good enough. It reflects how growth happens.

So, what is ‘better than better’ CONFLICT?

First, we need to understand why our ideas of ‘better conflict’ don’t work.

Better conflict isn’t NO conflict. That’s impossible. Some conflict is unavoidable.
Better conflict isn’t when you WIN. That leaves a loser who didn’t think it was better conflict!

Next, we need to understand ‘conflict.’ It is the tension or friction we feel when we disagree or see things differently from another person or group. It is often heated and emotional, typically stressful, and unpleasant. That doesn’t mean it’s bad.

Something to consider – Call to mind a conflict you are in right now. Give words to the thoughts, emotions, and physical feelings you experience when you recall it. Write them down to note them without judging them.

Healthy Conflict – Conflict that we keep out in the open and deal with by engaging the other parties involved is part of solving difficult problems, preserving our dignity, and standing up for people who need our voice. It helps us grow.

High Conflict (Amanda Ripley LINK) – Not the place we work things out, or where we grow. It is where we get stuck in conflict because we…

Seek to WIN at all costs.
DEHUMANIZE the other person or group.
Me and You turns into US and THEM.
Differences are reduced to a battle between RIGHT & WRONG.
We LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT THE CONFLICT WAS ABOUT in the first place.
We STOP LISTENING.

Better Than Better Conflict

The path out of High Conflict. Warning, it’s not a romantic one!

Jesus’ example of seeking to not participate and stop it from forming.

After Jesus’ birth when his parents presented him at the Temple. Simeon said, “This child is destined for the falling and the rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be opposed.” Luke 2.34

At age 12 when Jesus returned to the Temple he engaged the Jewish authorities by listening and asking questions. We are told that “all who heard him were amazed at his understanding and his answers.” Luke 2.47

The passage concludes with these words, “And Jesus increased in wisdom and in years, and in favor with God and people.” Luke 2.51b

He was loved for the “grace and truth” he brought, until the authorities saw his message threatening their power and position. High Conflict began! Yet Jesus wouldn’t participate.

At the Garden of Gethsemane on the night before his crucifixion. “Put your sword back into its place; for all who take the sword will perish by the sword.” Matthew 16.52

And on the cross, “Forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.” Luke 23.34

HERE’S AN EXERCISE to help you interrupt the pull of High Conflict and find your way out.

Remember YOUR OPPONENT IS A PERSON.
LISTEN! Listen deeply for the person behind the conflict. Listen to YOURSELF too.
Share your STORY, not your ARGUMENT.
Admit you don’t hold the WHOLE answer. Practice asking Better Questions!
Replace BLAME with COLLABORATION.

You can do these! Not perfectly, not every time, but that’s okay. You can grow and be part of what keeps us in healthy conflict. You are precisely the kind of person we can use more of; not on our side, but with us all. Pulling us together, not apart from each other.